


Mandated Education

by tipplerdoeswords



Category: Apex Legends (Video Games)
Genre: Gen, It's like the olympics, they're a bunch of lads in a death fight, this is based on my college experience
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-03
Updated: 2019-04-03
Packaged: 2020-01-04 10:03:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18341435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tipplerdoeswords/pseuds/tipplerdoeswords
Summary: Lifeline and Gibraltar give a safe sex presentation to a crowd of reluctant legends. Everyone takes damage from second hand awkwardness.





	Mandated Education

The small conference room had been cleared out and filled with rows of folding chairs. Legends filed in slowly, avoiding eye contact with each other and sitting as far apart as possible. Gibraltar and Lifeline stood at the front of the room, next to a table stacked with worksheets. Lifeline flipped through presentation slides on her tablet before connecting it to the projector. Gibraltar wrote down the names of everyone who came in and put the slips of paper in a glass bowl.

At 8:05 pm, Gibraltar cleared his throat and Lifeline loaded the title slide of the presentation. ‘Sex Education for the Apex Games’ was displayed in stark letters on the screen.

“Welcome everyone to your weekly event programming, brought to you by your very own Ajay Che and me, Makoa Gibraltar. The game managers have experience with housing a large group of diverse, athletic, and thrill-seeking individuals, which means we all get safe sex training.” said Gibraltar.

“But don’t worry.” said Ajay with a grin. “We know this is going to awkward, but we’re going to make it as fun as possible.” Groans echoed across the room.  

“To start out, raise your hand if you watch porn.” said Gibraltar. A few members of the audience looked at each other. Several tentative hands were raised.

“I should see everyone’s hands in the air.” said Gibraltar. “Porn is everywhere. I walked through the shopping district yesterday and saw a screen of twerking, scantily clad women trying to sell me hair loss treatments.”

About half the audience had their hands raised now. Gibraltar nodded. “Okay, now who thinks they watch the most porn out of everyone here?”

Most of the hands went down. Gibraltar pointed to the tallest hand, which belonged to the sole robot in the small crowd.

“I have studied and downloaded terabytes of pornographic materials.” said Pathfinder. “In fact, I’m watching porn right now.”

“He’s watching porn right now.” repeated Wraith, jazzing her hands in the air. She was sitting next to Pathfinder, wearing a large t-shirt and pajama bottoms.

“Thank you for sharing, Pathfinder.” said Gibraltar warily. “Now pornography can be a fine way to explore your sexuality and get new ideas for the bedroom.” he continued. “But it is important to understand that porn is a performance by actors. Real sex and intimacy is much messier. Communication is paramount to have a good time. Partners should check in with each other to make sure they’re not crossing boundaries. Nobody is a mind-reader, so verbal and non-verbal communication is important to assess whether your partner is having a good time.”

Lifeline moved to the next slide, which showed two women talking to each other while sitting on a bed.

“Consent can be confusing for some people, which is understandable. At the base level, consent sounds easy enough. A lack of an enthusiastic yes is basically a no-go for sexy times. Everyone with me so far?”

A few audience members nodded.

The next slide showed a man frowning, chin in hand, after an apparent one-night stand.

“It can get complicated when one or both parties isn’t sober. People hook-up when they’re drunk. That’s just a fact. There’s a variety of other substances people use for or during sex to enhance the experience.”

Everyone side-eyed Octane, who was bobbing his head and tapping a beat onto the metal chair in front of him.

“I’m not here to force everyone to follow one set of rules about consent.” continued Lifeline. “But I’m warning you all to be extra aware of consent moving forward. Thanks for listening.” She stepped back and picked up some paper off the table.

“Okay, time for a game. Get in a group of three and write down as many sex position names as possible in five minutes.” boomed Gibraltar. Lifeline and Doc passed around pieces of paper as the Legends grumbled and assembled themselves into squads.

Mirage waved to Bangalore, who was about five seats away, and took a piece of paper off of Doc’s chassis.

Once Bangalore sat down next to him, Mirage turned to her expectantly, pencil posed in his hand.

“Why are you looking at me?” she said. “Aren’t you the casanova? You flirt enough that I expected you to have screwed half the people in this room.”

Mirage shrugged. “I get that impression a lot, but I’m just friendly. I would have thought the woman who radiates sex appeal would be more knowledgeable than I am.”

Bangalore gave him a withering look.  Bloodhound, the third member of their group, was snoring gently, helmet resting on the back of their folding chair.  The hunter had passed out the moment the event started.

“Can’t we just write any adjective noun pair?” Bangalore said, after long silence.  

“You’re a genius.” said Mirage. He wrote ‘pork chops’ and ‘eggplant parmesan’ down on the paper in loopy letters. “I think this puts us solidly ahead of the curve. Well done team.”

After the time was up, Gibraltar read out a list of 50 sex positions and gave a stack of lube packets to the top three groups. Mirage’s eyes almost popped out of his head when he saw that Caustic’s team had won.

“Caustic must have been carried. We honestly should have won, we were the power squad.” Mirage said to Bangalore, who wasn’t listening.

Mirage jumped in his seat as Caustic turned around to face him.

“I didn’t say anything.” Mirage said hurriedly. “You must be hearing things Caustic, better talk to Lifeline after this.”

Caustic rolled his eyes. “I wanted to provide an explanation, idiot.” he said. “Have you seen the amount of fan mail I get? 90% of it is lewd stories about me and the writer. The other 10% is from defense contractors who are some of the more fucked up people I’ve met. I’ve learned a thing or two.”

“So you’re saying you read all the weird letters you get.” said Mirage. “Wow. I just throw mine out most of the time. Or have those been my student loan bills?”

“Hey you two, shut your mouths.” said Lifeline, who was in the middle of a slide about the societal stigma of STIs.

After a short presentation about getting tested for diseases, Lifeline passed out handfuls of different colored condoms.

“You can get free condoms anytime from me or Gibraltar. We were given a few boxes to keep ya happy. Remember, be safe and responsible.” she said. “Any questions about what we’ve talked about today?”

 The whir of the projector was deafening in the following silence.

“Thank you all for coming to this Apex mandated education event.” said Gibraltar. “Before you go, let’s have a raffle to see who won these fabulous prizes.” He waved a hand at the neon pink dildo and blue butt plug Ajay had just produced from a plastic bag.

Lifeline plunged her hand into the bowl of names and pulled out a slip of paper. She squinted at the tiny lettering.

“Bloth, come up here and select your prize.” said Ajay. Mirage nudged the tracker awake, dodging the fist that shot towards him.

“Go up and get your prize, buddy.” Mirage said. Bloodhound glanced up to the table and shook their head. Mirage hurried to the front of the room and took the proffered dildo in Bloodhound’s place.  

“I’d like to thank the academy.” he said, wiping a tear out of his eye as Lifeline pushed him back towards the audience. The cheap pink rubber wiggled in his hand as Octane slapped Mirage on the back.

The plug went to Wraith, who got down on one knee and proposed to Pathfinder with it. Bangalore muttered something about the kids these days as she swept out the door.

 


End file.
